I often hear parents these days say they want their kids to know they are their parents, not their friends. In some cases it can be a fine line and not all parents can tow it.
It is, however, possible to be both your child's parent and their friend. At least, that's the case with my girls.
Now, when I say I am my childrens' friend, I'm not saying I don't pay any mind to boundaries or rules. My husband and I have rules and boundaries we adhere to and our kids know just how far they can go before mom-friend becomes mom-mom.
How do you balance a "friendship" with parenting? Let me put it this way. I say "friendship" for lack of a better term. I am the parent first and foremost. There is no grey zone about this. We have our strict "can-never-ever-be-broken" rules and we have our "just-this-once-because-it's fun-to-break" rules.
The first time I set the "I am your parent" boundary was when my girls were about 3 or 4. One of them asked for something to which I said "no" and the plea became "I'll be your best friend". Right then and there, I knew the boundary had to be set, no question. I replied with "I am your mother. I am not your friend. We can always do fun stuff but Daddy and I make the rules and no is no". There was no further arguing, no whining, no pleading and best of all, no tears. I hadn't scarred my child and made her think parenting is sucky and parents are mean. My girls are 11 now, and I have yet to have "you're so mean!!" thrown at me.
From an early age, we taught boundaries and consequences. For example, every other year, we purchase seasons passes to Canada's Wonderland. Depending on timing, weather, activities, etc, we sometimes would go in an evening once the Hubs and I were home from work. Sometimes we'd grab a pizza and eat it in the parking area (our favourite grassy knoll has been taken over by fenced in area where a ride now comes out into the parking lot). On one occasion, we went with my brother in law, his two kids, my two, the Hubs and myself. Seven people, two cars. The girls were still quite young. Kindergarten, I believe, and so we spent most of our time in the Kiddie area. The four kids were in line for a ride and they stopped the line right at Banana. She wanted on the ride, but it was full. Cue meltdown. I tried to explain she would get on the next ride. She was having none of that. I warned her that if she didn't stop crying, because there was nothing I could do to get her on the ride faster and that she had to wait her turn, that I would take her home. This was usually the cue to quit the tantrum. But nope. She insisted she wanted on the ride NOW and she didn't want to wait her turn. So, I asked the Hubs for his car keys, told him he's have to get a ride with his brother and took Banana out of the park, screaming and crying the whole way (to this day I am shocked no one stopped me thinking I was kidnapping this screaming child. After all, she was saying "no! I don't want to go!")
By the time we got to the car, Banana was now pleading "I'll stop crying Mommy! If we go back I'll stop crying." She'd had her warnings. She'd had her chance. She'd been told the consequence. Now it was time to follow through. Most of the drive out of the parking lot was "I stopped crying. I'll wait my turn. Can we go back? Please, Mommy. I'll wait." When she realized we were going home regardless, she stopped her pleading. About halfway home, with me still seething from carrying a wriggling, screaming child through an amusement park, Banana pipes up in her adorable small voice "Mommy? Can I tell you something?" I responded with "if it's about going back, I don't want to hear it." She said "no. I just want to tell you I love you and I'm sorry I didn't listen." I still remember this exchange to this day. As does she. And you know what? We've never had to leave Wonderland because someone wasn't listening. We've left because we were cold. We've left because it rained. We left because we had dinner plans. But not once since then have we left because someone misbehaved.
What does that have to do with being the "cool mom"? Nothing, I guess, but it's an example of how setting boundaries doesn't mean you're the "mean mom". We've often discussed with our girls that the rules we put in place aren't to be mean, but to protect them. And they get it. And they abide (mostly) by them.
But that still leaves room for ice cream sandwiches and milkshakes for breakfast because Mommy's away, or a sushi dinner and a late showing of Hotel Transylvania because Daddy's away. We go to the drive in, and sometimes stay for the third feature on the long weekend, which usually get us home after 2am. Because parenting isn't always about rules and how strict they can be. It's about showing kids it's okay to bend some of the rules. But not all of them and not all the time.
One of the ways I've achieved the coveted "cool mom" status is by showing an interest in what my kids like. Banana loves playing Minecraft. So I loaded it on my iPad and she has it on hers and occasionally, we play together. Recently, the two of us were out for dinner while Squish and the Hubs were at the Snow Show volunteering with the Canadian Ski Patrol. Banana went on and on and on and on about Minecraft and video games and different things that I've lost all track of. But she was engaged and proud of achievements she knew her father would not only not understand (I admit, she lost me somewhere along the way, too) but would make a disparaging comment because he views video games as a waste of time. What he doesn't realize is it teaches our daughter how to plan and explore. It makes her focus (she's recently diagnosed ADHD inattentive type) and it helps keep her relaxed. She told me her friends thought it was cool that I played Minecraft, too. But by exploring worlds with Banana in Minecraft, she opens up and we talk. Even if it's just about how best to blow up a floating house made of sponge, or guessing how many blocks of TNT it will take, what the Hubs doesn't realize is she's learning estimates and predictions, and she doesn't even realize it.
With Squish, we share a mutual love of "The Walking Dead". Sunday night at 9:00 is reserved for us to sit together under her Walking Dead blanket, with a bowl of popcorn and our Walking Dead cups, even though school night bedtime is 9:00. This is one of our bendable rules. Banana plays chess or backgammon with her dad while Squish and I watch people get killed by zombies, or kill zombies. Squish's friends think it's cool that I let her watch The Walking Dead and that we watch it together.
By taking these interests in my kids' lives, and sharing mutual interests with them, I became the "cool mom" and their friends feel comfortable coming over. Even their friends know our house has rules and they have to follow them. But if they want to play Minecraft, I'm happy to join in. Maybe I'll learn a little more about my kids' lives outside my front door.
